Torn apart
by sweetytweety8
Summary: One shot about Castle's feelings for Kate and his thoughts during Montgomery's funeral in the episode "Knockout" (3x24)


**A/N: Dear readers, usually I write something funny and romantic about Caskett but this time I wanted to be more serious and dramatic (mostly because I haven't written anything dramatic before and I wanted to give it a try). So I wrote this little fic that I really hope you would like. Please write and let me know what do you think about it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Castle or its characters**

Castle's POV

I've been tearing myself apart for the last few years. Ever since the moment I met Katherine Beckett I couldn't stop thinking about her. I felt something for her the moment I saw her - it was like some unknown force was drawing me to her. She immediately captured my attention with her extraordinary beauty and those soft deep brown eyes of hers. She wasn't like any other woman I've ever met - she was different, extraordinary. I was immediately mesmerized by her appearance - her beauty, her strong demeanor, her sexy body, simply everything. There was something about her that kept me coming back for more. She instantly became my muse (no, she doesn't like it calling her a muse) - my inspiration. My first impression of her was that she's very smart, brilliant at her job, very tough and a bit too serious if you ask me. She was a mystery that I wanted to solve piece by piece.

At first she acted very strict and professional around me, way too serious and distant. But then we grew closer and she became softer with me, carefree and even laughed at my jokes. The better I got to know her the more I liked her and wanted to learn everything about her. I wanted to know every little detail about her and her life, to peel every layer of her and see the real Kate Beckett. At first it was pure lust that I felt for her but the unknown force of nature that was drawing me to her became even stronger through the years. I was falling for her, finding a new reason to love her even more every single day. I don't know what I love most about her - her gorgeous smile, her face or her sexy body. I love the bright smile she gives me every single day when I bring her coffee - that sweet smile of hers just warms my heart. I adore her face - so serious and deep when she is thinking and yet sometimes so cute when she gets angry and frowns. And her body - oh my, her sexy body that I've been dreaming about ever since I met her. Her tall and so thin body structure, her long beautiful legs, the way she dress, even her sexy gait - everything about Katherine Beckett is so sexy and unique. I don't love her only for her appearance, I also love her for her brain, her independence, her strengths, even for her weaknesses. I love everything about her, everything she does - every little habit. I love her scent, her soft voice and the way she pronounces my name. I love her sense of humor and all of her banters. And I just love the ways she dress, especially some of the revealing outfits she wears when she goes undercover - they just turn my head. I simply can't think straight when she is around me.

I've been torturing myself for a very long time - day by day and year by year. It's a real torture to be so close to her, to work side by side with her, and yet to be so far away. What hurts me the most is that I can't tell her what I feel for her because I don't want to scare her away. It's painful to be so close to her, and yet not being able to tell her what I truly feel. I've been tearing myself apart every single day, trying to decide should I tell her how I feel or should I stay this way. But I am really scared that she won't return my feelings, that she'll go far away, so I just sit and wait for her to notice me. I keep tormenting myself, imagining what could it be if she loves me back. I suffer bit by bit every single day, working with her only as her partner when I want so much more. It's a true torture - so bitter and yet so sweet. Thinking about her, seeing her every day is like a nightmare and like a dream at the same time. I just love the intense attraction I feel for her, the longing, the rush I feel every time I see her, the tension between us. The long hours I spent thinking about her, the sleepless nights, the deep craving that I feel for her. I cherish every single moment that I spend with her even though I can't fully be with her. She is just driving me crazy, getting under my skin every single day. She pushes my buttons in ways that no one else ever could and I just love this feeling. A feeling so sweet and bitter that cannot be described by words - you can only feel it in your heart.

We are at Montgomery's funeral and Kate is delivering the eulogy. She is standing there dressed in her uniform and speaking slowly with a firm and steady voice. Even though her tone is so steady and she is keeping her emotions under control, I can still feel the pain and sorrow in her voice that she is trying to cover. I am standing right beside her, silently supporting her, letting her know that I am there for her. I am watching her, wising I could tell her that I will always be there for her.

"And in the end, the best you could hope for, is to find a place to make your stand. And if you're very lucky, you find someone willing to stand with you." Kate says and then turns and look at me and I hear her words so loud and clear in my head. Not only do I hear her words but I feel them in my heart. I want to tell her, to let her know that she had already found the one who is ready to stand with her. I have always been there for her. We've been through so much together, I've seen her best and her worst moments, always supporting her silently. Waiting for her. I just want to scream at her that I am the one who she needs, if only she could open her eyes and see it.

She continues with her speech, "Our captain would want us to carry on the fight. And even if there - ." In this moment I see some odd light in the distance and I immediately get a bad feeling. I sense that something's wrong, that something bad would happen even before I realize what's going on. I feel that Kate is in danger and before I know it, I am running to her, screaming her name and knocking her on the ground. At that moment I reacted only by instinct - and my instinct was telling me to save her from the harm. I wanted to protect her, to tackle her out of the way. But as she is lying immobile on the ground, I look at her and see that she is bleeding and I suddenly realize that she was shot. I'm simply devastated, ravaged by sorrow when realize that I was too late. I just can't stand seeing her so helpless and in so much pain. I can't even bear the thought of losing her.

I hold her in my embrace and start whispering to her, trying to sooth her. "Kate. Shhh. Kate, please. Stay with me, Kate." I am looking at her face and she is gazing at me too, her breathing uneven. It's like the time had stopped the minute I see that she is shot and everything seems so unreal. The only thing I can see is her, like there isn't anyone else around - just us. I get closer to her and beg her desperately, "Don't leave me, please... Stay with me, okay?" I just can't bear the thought that she is shot and I might lose her. She is gazing at me and I hope that she can still hear me. "Kate I love you. I love you, Kate." I finally confess to her. In this moment of desperation I just spill out my guts without any thinking. The words that I had kept hidden deep inside me for so long now came out of my mouth so quickly and effortlessly. I would do anything just want to make her stay with me. But then she closes her eyes and I see a tear shed on her face.

Suddenly I am lost. I am loosing myself in some dark place where there is no light. So many emotions and feelings are raging through me and burning like fire somewhere deep inside me. Feelings like anger, guilt, fear, emptiness - they are so dark and sharp that they cut my flesh like a knife. I am burning with rage because I am blaming myself that I couldn't go earlier. I am so angry at myself for the fact that I just couldn't prevent it. I couldn't save her from the harm and now I am lost. I am feeling so lost and scared - scared for her life; scared not to lose her. The love I feel for Kate is so intense that it just tears me apart and I know for sure that I would be lost without her. I get lost in these dark feelings - they are like ocean that swirls around me and I am drowning in them. So many emotions that I just can't breathe. I try to grasp for something, to see some light and follow it. I try really hard to put my dark thoughts away, to get myself under control and focus on something good. There is nothing else left, only one small trace of a light - just a glimmer of hope. Hope that everything will be fine, that she will be fine. Hope that somehow we would manage to get through this. Together.


End file.
